Confidence Killers

In this powerful episode of "Your Voice; Your Power with Anika," join host Anika Wilson and her inspiring guests, Connie Mallchok, Dr. LaToya Chevelle Waddell, and Latiya Robinson, as they delve into the world of confidence killers and the journey to self-discovery. This thought-provoking discussion explores the multifaceted challenges women face in their personal and professional lives and offers invaluable insights on building resilience and embracing one's unique identity.

From navigating job loss and redefining a sense of belonging to coping with chronic illness and setting healthy boundaries, the panelists share their raw and transformative experiences. They emphasize the importance of self-love, seeking support, and the power of journaling in fostering personal growth and mental well-being.

The conversation also touches on the significance of allyship, understanding invisible disabilities, and challenging societal norms. Listeners will gain a deeper appreciation for the evolving nature of personal growth and the beauty of embracing one's authentic self.

Whether you're an entrepreneur, leader, or simply seeking to overcome life's obstacles, this episode will leave you inspired and equipped with practical strategies to cultivate unshakable confidence and live your best life. Join the conversation and discover the transformative power of resilience, self-discovery, and the unwavering support of a community.

Don't miss this essential listen for anyone looking to break free from confidence killers and embark on a journey of personal empowerment. Tune in now and let "Your Voice; Your Power with Anika" be your guide to navigating life beyond barriers.

@yourvoiceyourpowerwithanika

Transcript

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Good day. Good day, and welcome to your voice, your power. I am Manika Wilson, and today we are talking about confidence killers, navigating life beyond barriers. Now, we all face confidence killers head on throughout our lives, but what exactly are confidence killers? They come in all shapes, all sizes and forms, and can impact our confidence on personal, professional, and physical levels interchangeably. As women, we often face extra challenges that men may not be privy to. So how do we navigate life beyond these barriers? We're gonna talk today with panelists who have experienced challenges that others are afraid to talk about based on cultural norms, societal stigmas, and everything under the sun. In a world of social media and accessibility, people are afraid to exercise their voice. Today we're going to talk about confidence, things that impact your confidence and ways to overcome confidence killers. Stay tuned for our amazing panel and this amazing discussion. Good day. Good day, and welcome to your voice, your power. I am Anika Wilson, and today we have a power panel talking about confidence killers. Now, I don't know who you are, where you are, but if you know anything, I know you've experienced something that has killed your confidence. Today we are going to talk about it. We're going to uncover some of the things that have killed, has killed our confidence and ways that we overcame it. So we're going to start off with our first guest coming to us from New York. Connie, tell the world who you are and what you do. Hi, my name is Connie Melchuk and I am an awareness life coach and I've had my own private practice for about 13 years. I also just co founded a company called Intuitive Heart Institute with my co founder, Doctor Orr. And we support folks with regard to, I guess, really like finding their, finding their path, finding their purpose, finding their calling, and how to do the work of integrating all of those things. So I do that within the intuitive heart institute as well as with my private clients. And I've also been had a 25 year career as a recruiter and an HR. And I'm really glad to be here. Awesome. And we love Doctor Orr. Yes, yes, yes. So y'all definitely need to check them out. Thank you for being here. Now we are going to go to. Absolutely. We're going to go to Doctor Latoya. Doctor Latoya. Tell listeners who you are and what you do. Hi, I am Doctor Latoya. I am from North Carolina and I am a licensed mental health, licensed substance use and trauma therapist. My background basically spans way back from 2004, being in the field. I am the owner and founder of company called Inspired two Vu PLLc, where I do offer counseling, and I do offer counseling, consulting, supervision, and also program evaluation, consultation. And also in addition to that, I'm an assistant professor at the University of East Carolina University. And that is me in a nutshell. Just a little bit. Just a little bit you got going on over there. Doctor Latoya, we appreciate you. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. I was reading some of your articles the other day. Yeah. So just a little bit. Just a little bit. Thank you for being here as well. All right. Thank you. Absolutely. All right, we're going over to you, Latia. Tell the world who you are and what you do. Hello, my name is Latia Robinson, and I live in Florida. At this moment, I am a business specialist with the financial institute. I also am working on my PhD in industrial and organizational psychology. I also am a children's book author, and I focus on providing tools for parents and their children as far as cardiac surgery. And at this moment, I'm also focusing on assistance with the topic of leadership development as well as employee retention. So I'm wanting to assist small businesses in order to inform them of what they can provide their employees and how they can actually give them a better work life balance. Love it, love it, love it. And Doctor Latoya and I were on the leadership development kick this morning. Good morning. So thank you for being here. We were nerded out this morning. So awesome sauce. It is so interesting that we're here as professionals. We've all worked in human resources or psychology or rehabilitation or mental health. And what's interesting is that when we put our professional hats on, a lot of people like to forget about what's underneath that shelf. There's so much going on up under here. You talk about work life balance, you talk about psychological safety. You talk about all these things that impact how we show up and how we appear to others. So that is why I wanted to talk about confidence killers. Because as leaders, as entrepreneurs, as business owners, it is extremely important for us to have an authentic identity. But a healthy identity. And if nothing else, I hope that's what listeners and viewers get out of today. I want us to talk about how to have a healthy identity and how to overcome confidence killers. So I'm going to ask the question to each of you. I want you to share with listeners and viewers one thing that killed your confidence that was so memorable that you had to create a plan, seek help or whatever to overcome that specific confidence killer. I'm going to start with you, Connie. I'll go to you first. What confidence killer are you going to speak of today? There's so many for me to choose from over the course of my, my lifetime. I think the one that I'm going to pick today is I'm going to pick the time, like, the first time that I was laid off, which happened in May of 2009, kind of, like, right in the middle of the housing bubble, the crash of the housing bubble during that time period. And I had never experienced a layoff before. And I think also, too, like, for me, I'm Gen X. So the world that I grew up in, the examples of the people around me and, like, my family and friends there, there was still a lot of people who kind of had this, this career trajectory where they were able to get a job, stay at that job, work that job, get a pension, retire, like, that whole kind of thing. And I. I very quickly realized when I graduated from undergrad that that wasn't available to me anymore. But at the same time, I had taken on and internalized this. Your job is your identity, or your job is, like, the most important thing to you, or, you know, that, that kind of thing. And so when I was laid off, it was this moment of, like, who am I? Like, who am I? Where do I belong if I don't have this job to go to every single day? And so that really kind of began this process of, like, self discovery and gaining clarity, which is a journey that I'm, that I'm still on today. Like, actively, like, I just finished rewriting my vision statement, which really is kind of like, it's an outline of all the things that I want in my life, what I want to be surrounded by in terms of, like, specific areas, like home and service and spirituality and partnership and creativity and all those things. And so that was really kind of like the beginning of that. But there was a period of time immediately following that that I would say, um, and I would say it was probably like a three month period where there was these intense feelings of, um, you know, like, just like, I want to use the word, like, disenfranchised from, like, the world or society or culture or something. Like, it was like I was completely, you know, disconnected. I felt like I was, like, floating on my own, and I didn't have the tools and the ability to kind of ground myself and move myself forward. And I think that that's where at that particular point in time, it was my yoga practice, my yoga community, like, my meditation community, and some of the healing tools that that's kind of what helped me find my direction, my true north, and recognize what worked for me and what didn't. It was really the first time that I had this space since college where I could really be, like, doing this activity or spending time doing this. Doesn't feel good to me anymore, or doesn't feel good doesn't support me finding or expressing myself, my skill set, all of those kinds of things. I love a few things that you said. First of all, a lot of people do not understand how women, especially, associate their identity with what they do. It is a lot of what we do also. We associate it with our roles. I know I always describe myself as a mom first. Like I never said, oh, I'm a professional. I was always a mom first. So I agree with that. I love that. To combat being laid off, you went into self discovery, which for most, it should be lifelong. It is a process. It's not something. It is fluid. It evolves. And a lot of people feel like they do it wrong because they feel like they come to an end where it comes to a head. No, it is supposed to evolve. You're supposed to grow. You're supposed to stretch. So I love that you said that. But you also said a vision statement. A lot of people think that this is only for businesses, and it is absolutely not. We talk about vision boards all the time. It's manifestation. If you want something, you speak it, you believe it, you think it, you feel it. It's part of your language. It's part of how you wake up. Your affirmations, the things you say to yourself create a mantra. But you also talked about being grounded and having direction. And a lot of people who may not be familiar with yoga or other spiritual or meditation or mindfulness, it's. Being grounded means understanding the root. You know, who you are, why you're there, what you're called to do, and all of that. And so I love and eat up everything that you said, and I appreciate it. Mostly, you know, we kind of find that self discovery from something negative. I won't say specifically a trauma, but an experience that wasn't necessarily good. And sometimes it is to protect us. It is in our favor. So you. For you getting laid off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we appreciate it. What did they say? What did they say? There's that saying, like, you know, whatever's rejection is God's protection or spirit or universe's protection. And so that's. But that was a huge part of that lesson, that, like what you just said, that ultimately that ended up being a very positive, pivotal, shifting moment for. Me, because we're stubborn, and if it's not forced, we don't do it well. You said you knew it wasn't good for you. You knew it wasn't what you wanted to do or needed to do. And that's just how we are. So sometimes our hand has to be forced. So I love it. And so now we're going to go to Doctor Latoya. Same question. What confidence killer are you going to speak of today? I was pondering over here and trying to think about, because I like what Connie said. There's usually multiple ones that you could think of. Right, Connie? And. For me, even going through my master's program, self esteem was like this. Oh, this is going to be, like, my topic, because I dealt with self esteem issues growing up. And it was amazing to me to find out that when I would speak out loud about it, especially to someone who I felt should know, like my mom, I was told, like, flat footed, straight face, you didn't have any self esteem problems. And. Yeah. And so for me, you know, I got to understanding that some people hear the word self esteem and they think this, I guess, is it safe to say a linear way about it? They don't realize that there are these multiple avenues. Yes, it ebbs and flows and there are these multiple avenues to experiencing low self esteem. And I wish I would have, like, followed through and published it. Maybe, hey, maybe this might be something I'll end up doing later on. But God gave it to me as showing me how having low self esteem was like having, or dealing with or coping with an addiction. And the aspect of. And I'm saying all this because it demonstrates, like, how this was my confidence killer. So it was the action of, basically, you would do something to fire off those endorphins in your mind, and you would feel good about it, and you would feel good about it. And it may not really be beneficial for you, but you did it. And then after you did it, you realized, oh, my gosh, I don't think that was a great idea. And then you feel down and you feel low, and either it affected you in a negative way or affected the other person in a negative way, whether it was like you bullied someone or whether it was like you showed love to someone that didn't really deserve your love, whatever it was, and you just feel down. And then this vicious cycle begins. Well, I want to feel good again, but you don't really think it through. You just be impulsive, and then you just start doing the same thing over and over. And then it's just this high, this low, this high, this low. And I was like, oh, my gosh, you're right. God, like, this is. And so it really showed me that my confidence killer was not understanding what Agape love was and having the wrong or being taught the wrong ideal of receiving true love from individuals and how I would get it. I assumed that I had to do it in what we call the, like, seeking way, I guess what you call it, pleaser way, pleasing people. I had to do it in order to get it back from other people and not realizing that I had to learn how to love myself. And that was my confidence killer, because every time someone let me down, I went way down. I thought so. And then as the negative thoughts started coming, oh, am I just not good enough? Oh, am I? Oh, just. I just. Nobody wants to be around me. Nobody likes me. And then I began to realize it happening more because I'm. Even though army brats mean you usually travel with your dad. But I was with my mom and my brother stayed with my dad, stepmom. But I'm an army brat. My dad went in the army because my mom got pregnant with me. So that separation, physical separation from my dad, I start seeking it and from, you know, the guys because I was like the home girl to everybody. You were the friend zone. You were that homegirl. I relate. And so it didn't respond the way I thought it should respond because I, I was being genuine but not realizing I was being looked at as the homegirl. It was like, here we go again. Crap. I thought I was going to get this love that I was wanting from my dad, who really does. And it was just this whole conception, whatever. I've learned all of that. But I say what I end up doing was, I said, okay, I am going to be alone on purpose. I'm going to date myself on purpose. And when I tell people to do that, they're like, what? What? I date myself real good. Me and myself, we go out to eat a lot. I like myself. And they look at me like. And I went, when I say it wasn't just a concept, I made it a lifestyle. I went out to the movies. I went out to eat. You know, like, I just had balls. I mean, I didn't go many, many places because I'm an introvert, extrovert, but I had a ball. You know, I even had a ball, like, dissing people because I'm on a date with my date. I'm gonna use that. I'm gonna use that I'm busy. I'm on a date with my date, you know? And I think that's how I also evolved with my low, you know, don't tell nobody my low caliber pettiness. You know, boundaries. Those are boundaries that you set, and that is so healthy. Yes. And so it was just like, at this point, all right, I know what I don't want and what I will accept and won't accept, and there's plenty of things I could talk about, but that I seen growing up with relationships with women in my family and how they were treated, and I'm like, I don't want that. You know, so I was the home girl, homeboy, but I was the one, too, that did not. I had an issue with. I would fight a man really quick because of the things I saw growing up. So I was protector. I would jump in. I didn't care if I even know you, if I thought somebody was there to harm you, and it was a man. I'm jumping in to save the day, to be the hero. Like, so I say that to say it helped me evolve in all those areas to, like, stop, pause, and just think what I want, what I would accept, what I won't accept. And so I like the fact that Anika talked about. It's important to mention certain things if it's relevant. And later on in 2019, I developed a journal. And the journal, when you were talking about it, I was like, oh, my God. I forgot. My journal was birthed out of my process. And so my journal is called the experience journal. And then it says, time of God heals everything. And then it says, be encouraged to see God during the healing. And so individuals in the journal would do see God. So they would do a scripture elaboration, experience, gratitude, optimism, and determination. And then those would have descriptions of what you would do with that. And that was the process I would do. And that was a time in my life I was good at journaling. Now I'm not that good at it anymore. I need to get back there. So kind of like, honey, it's a ongoing process here. I just want. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna share my journal as an inspiration for you. I mean, I feel like, for myself, like, that journaling, it's like. It's like a wave, right? It's like, sometimes you're in it, and then other times you're like, all right, I'm setting. I'm setting this aside to. But one thing that. That helped me kind of reignite that process is like creating a beautiful journal, you know, and, like personalizing it and, like getting it right size for myself because it's like. Because then it's like. It's almost like that when you, like, focus on beautifying your home, right. It's like. It's like that because that it's a project space for your heart. It's. Well, it's a space for your heart space, right. It's like your journal is this place where your heart gets to speak if that's a practice that you partake in. So thank you. That segues me, Connie. Well, another thing, too. Someone on the last podcast said an audio journal, and I'm down with that for the simple fact that this dissertation has kicked my butt and my hand no longer works. Like, I'm stuck on typing now. And now I've learned to talk into the, into one note and so. But the audio journal, let's say at the end of the day, you do ten minutes and you just talk about your day, how you felt. You know, I talk a lot about chronic illness and things because I have chronic illness. And it's really important to talk about your diet. It's important to talk about your medications. It's important to talk about how you feel, how you feel from one day to the next, where your mind is at, where your head is at, what you got done, what you need to get done, people don't understand. That should be part of your journaling process because in that, that lifestyle, changing your frame of mind, headspace in my head, like doctor Latoya was saying, first of all, you do have to change your brain and you got to train your brain. But one way to increase your self confidence is to pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit where credit is due. And we do not do that as women, we put 200 things on our list every day. And when we only get 100 done, we beat ourselves up. Well, at the end of the day, when you're doing your journaling, I need you to talk about what you accomplished that you've been trying to accomplish for six months, because that's your win. It's not how many things you got on your list done, because I'm telling you, I made an appointment today that I have been trying to make and Doctor Latoya helped me make it. And that was like a couple of years coming. We got it. We have to do that. And we have to also. We have to. Yeah, we have to stop waiting for other people to validate us. Expectation management. I literally created a program for it because as I did my self discovery, I realized the majority of the disappointments that I got in life were because my expectations were not managed properly. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. Stop expecting things from people that you know they're not capable of, including yourself. And so, from what doctor Latoya said, I just want to recap. She talked about imposter syndrome. She talked about lack of self esteem, not understanding what agape love is. People pleasing you are now a recovering people pleaser, and not loving yourself first is what I got. She also talked about rejection. She talked about dating yourself, being an army brat, which y'all need to stay tuned because we have a podcast episode of invisible impact the daddy issues for the simple fact that I am an air force brat. And when you don't have that space filled and you don't have that fulfillment of the love that was created for every person to have, and those spaces are missing, you have a hole. And people like to tell you to get over it. It's not that easy, and it will impact you as an adult, even though you were a child. So stay tuned for that. But I got all of that out of what Doctor Latoya said, and I'm sure plenty of people can relate. So I just want to thank you for talking about self esteem. Self esteem was actually part of the curriculum for confidence killer, because what does a confidence killer do? It steals your self esteem. So, yeah, just to just end it off, like, with a nice, cute bow, I thank you and Connie, because you just confirmed, like, what I plan to do with the revamping of the journal was to make an app where people could audio speak into it. Yep. And for me, as what listen to what Connie was saying was for me to get back into the habit of me actually using the journal, not doing what I was doing before, but now using the journal that I've solidified in an actual structured format and then putting it out there and letting my truth be seen. So, actually, whatever I journal down, I'm going to publish it. Consistency is key. That's it. The one other thing I just want to touch on, that doctor Latoya touched on, and you did as well, Anika, is this process. It's like understanding, like, bearing witness to your process and able to, like, recognizing your process. And then the other thing that I think specifically as women, and this goes to what Anika was speaking about, is, like, our process at 15 is different than our process at 20. Our process at 20 is going to be different than our process at 32. Our process of 32 is going to be different than our process of 45 or 50. And that was one thing that I kind of, like, I struggled with was, like, I would get down on myself that, like, my 37 year old process is different than my 52 year old process. And, like. And so I think that's one thing. Why I hooked into, like, the journaling piece is that it's like, it's okay for your process to evolve, to meet your needs and meet you where you are, where you're at right now. I like it. I like it, too. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, Latia, we're going over to you because we want to know, what confidence killer are you adding to this stack of confidence nonsense? Absolutely. So there's so many directions that we could go with this, but my main focus is going to be in reference to health. Health, and that's mental health. Health is wealth, for sure, and I'm broke. If that's the case, you're evolving in your bank account. And what I want to focus on, you know, is the fact that many situations, when you say that you are a sick individual, someone may believe that you have a cold or you have a sore throat or something simple that doesn't affect you as much. But as a post heart transplant patient, I've went through the trenches, as they would say. And when you are informed that you have to go through something like that, it not only affects the confidence in yourself, but you question a lot of things, like, am I strong enough to go through this type of procedure? Am I strong enough to recover as well as I should? Am I strong enough to take all of these medications that they provide me? Will I get through this? And honestly, your mental health is depleted. I lost a lot of weight coming up to the whole transplant process. Typically, I'm around 165 pounds. I got down to 110 pounds before transplant because I was so sick. And you're not short. No, ma'am. So, you know, I looked a little sickly, being that thin at this height. And it was a point where I had really bad arthritis as well. And my parents had to carry me to the bathroom. I couldn't walk. And so you can imagine I'm just sitting here. I can't really do much of anything. My confidence is shot. You know, I had to move back in with my parents. I lost a relationship because I was sick. So not only did I have to have a whole issue of gaining my confidence back from a tear down of a relationship, but I also had to gain confidence back from going through this procedure and recovery isn't easy, and if you allow it, your mental health will go down the drain. A support system was very, very much needed, and I could always remember my mom saying, it's okay, you're small right now, but you're going to gain your weight back. Everything's going to be normal. Just be patient, be patient. And so I just had to go with. Go with what I knew, and I knew I was a strong person and I needed to stop questioning myself. But overall, the issue is, is that if you allow all of the outside nonsense of people who don't actually know the process of everything because they'll believe that you're weak because you're sick or you're weak because you're on lifelong medications, you're a dependent person because you went through something so intense. But when people see me now, they don't even know I look like a normal person. And, guys, I have a handicap sticker, a tag now, and I'm like, I feel so bad for using it because I look healthy. Don't worry about that. Everybody with invisible illness has gotten that look because I have. I had a handicap sticker, and people look at me and I'm like, if you only knew what my back look like. But they look at you. Listen, you use your sticker and you save your life and extend your days and let them go hard and keep on guessing. Look, I would just bust your shirt open and just say. I promise you it's here. Yes. And overall, like, I just had to go through a whole lot of different things, that it was rough, but when you have a great family, when you have great friends, everything will work out. But, you know, I'm just thankful. And as far as the professional life, Anika, you know, I had to have my first conference after my trans process, you know, after I was actually able to be outside after about, I want to say about eight months, and I was nervous, you know, my confidence was blown because now I haven't been around people, I've been in the house. So now I have to go out and try to be this confident person and network to try to assist me with getting back to my professional life. So I do want to thank Anika because she was one of the first people that I met. Very open and just welcoming and just a down to earth person. So I really appreciate you for being there with me and my cousin, but it was awesome. Thank you. Thank you. I thought you were just shy, and I thought she was just one of these Covid bound, socially awkward people, which I have turned into be. Cause I used to be so outgoing. And, like, ever since COVID and military wife life, I'm kind of off the shelf. You know, I'm comfortable behind the camera. But when I saw you, I just thought you were like me. Like one of these recluses. But no, like. And I didn't. I didn't know, like, we had a gala and everything, and she was like, we were sweating and dancing and everything. And look, I thought I was young, you know, and I was. We were all tired and wearing each other out. And she's like, y'all, I got a rest. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like. Cause you just would not think. But it makes you one aware of the fact that you never know what somebody's been through. And one thing that you said in the very beginning, you said mental health and health go together. And you talked about how what I wrote down was loss because you lost a relationship, you lost your independence, you lost your mobility, you were unable to care for yourself. And as somebody with a lot of illness, I have chronic illness, fibromyalgia, COPD emphysema, degenerative disc disease. And now I'm going through decompression therapy, stem cell therapy, plasma therapy, trying to get my spine back in order because I had accepted that I have degenerative disc disease and that my spine is dissolving. But when people look at me, they just say, oh, why is she hunched over in all her videos? Why is she tripoding with her chin? And it was actually for five years, I wouldn't go on camera for my podcast because I was in my head. And, you know, I tell people all the time that I have all these health issues, and the first thing they say is, you're too young. And that's why one of y'all said something about people and people's assumptions. And it's always what people think, you know, that you look too young or you look fine. And I used to be a people pleaser, so I used to just go home and cry. Now I'm a different person because I'll tell you what I have to say now, you know? But at the end of the day, it's nobody's business. Like, if you're going to help me and you're going to support me, then you can be here. If you're not, shut up. And that's just where I'm at now. Because people have no idea the fight that you have to have to wake up every day when you are overcoming something. People don't understand that you have to get up and make yourself go to work or sit at the computer or drive your car or whatever when you were rehabbing from something and people tell you you can no longer work and you're disabled, you know, and many of us, we choose to go back to school. We choose to still try to work. We choose to still try to raise children. And so that's why I wanted to have this conversation, because these are all things that I feel, and I love to have other people come on and talk about it because I don't want to just sound like, you know, I'm just want or complaining. But the reality of it is all of us have faced things, and every woman that's listening has faced something that made her want to give up, that made her either punch somebody in the throat, go to jail, or give up and quit whichever avenue she wanted to try to choose. You know, people can make you sick and tired when you're already sick and tired, you know? And so I want to thank each of you for getting up and fighting, because at the end of the day, you don't have to. Some people don't fight, and some people just kind of wallow up and give up on their dreams and, you know, don't push the envelope. One thing that I just want to add into the mix, and I think this is something that Latia brought up, and what she shared, is the practice of non judgment and the practice of compassion and showing up with non judgment, not showing up with. I know you, I know all about you, I've got it all figured out. And so I'm placing this judgment on, you know, and then being able to show up with compassion when somebody does share. And I think one thing for me, over the course of my life and over the course of, you know, my career and all the transitions I've been in is the, the support that I've received from other women has been incredibly important and incredibly powerful, and having them come at me with this non judgment and with the compassion and I think that can be applied across the board. But that speaks to what Latia and Anika were sharing in terms of their example, especially when it comes to the health issues or what somebody's struggling with or dealing with on their own. But then the other piece of the coin is like, and this speaks directly to this podcast, is we need to use our voices to share our experiences and get them out into the world so that it's like there's that recognition that we are not alone, we are more similar we share those experiences with one another. And, you know, and I think that, like, for me, going back to, like, the confidence killers, like. Like, at those moments in time, you feel so alone, you know? And it's like. And sometimes you've abandoned yourself. Sometimes you've been abandoned by a partnership or something like that, or a family member or whatever, but it's like. It's like, those are the moments where I am learning that I need to use my voice and share and reach out, because that's when those connections are made. Absolutely. You said something that just wrong. You said, sometimes you've abandoned yourself, and that rings so true. And that's when I talked about giving up. But I want to say something about what you said. We often have to find support through other women. And it's like, what would it take for us to find support from everybody, despite race, despite gender? Like, why is it that we can only find support amongst ourselves? Like, how do we get that compassion and empathy to ring true across the board? Because honestly, even through our experiences as far as gender and being a woman, a lot of men go through a lot of the same transitions that we go through, but they don't talk about it. And so, yes, we may be more vocal, even though we could be more vocal as women. We don't report a lot of things that we experience, but I think we have to be an example, and we also have to extend an olive branch, because I think our courage gives other people courage, not just other women. Yeah. I've heard people speak about that in terms of the concept of allyship. Right. So it's like, wherever you apply that, it's like, how do you show up as an ally for someone else? And part of what I have learned, especially over the last decade in particular, is that in order for me to show up as an ally for someone else, wherever they come from, it's like I have to have some level of understanding of where they're coming from and who they are. And if you don't have exposure or experience to that, you don't show up with curiosity. It becomes really difficult to come from that place of non judgment and compassion just to circle back for that. So you're basically saying we need to have emotional intelligence courses and training everywhere. Yeah, totally, totally, totally, totally. And thank you for using the word curiosity and showing up with curiosity, even going as further as saying genuine curiosity when talking about. Because I'm hoping that millions, millions upon billions hear this or watch this to hear that, because sometimes we're missing the book on what true ally is. Yeah. We're making it a term to wear on a t shirt. Yeah. Versus a term to wear on our heart. Yeah. And I have to say, just being totally transparent, like, early on, in my attempts to be an ally in certain spaces, I missed the mark because there was certain bits of understanding and perspective that I was missing, you know? But for me, it's part of my. My effort to connect with that genuine curiosity and continue to educate myself. Yeah. And not. And I'm glad you said that, to continue to educate myself, because moving back to Latia, for Anika knows this. So I also have what I call it invisible disability. That's lifelong. I'm going to be taking medicine for the rest of my life. It's called idiopathic hyperinsomia. And that I understand, because that also triggers mental health symptoms and diagnosis. So that, too, comes with what I have. And allyship has always been focused on race, and we need to also realize that there are other areas that and other populations that we need to focus this on, because going back to the topic today, that is a confident, a big confidence killer for individuals is dealing with something that other people cannot see. And that's because there is this misunderstanding of a fight between ableism and non ableism due to what you physically see, not realizing that this person can be in your same category. You just don't see it on them, so you don't know. And you're treating them a certain way because you're not what awareness. And you haven't been educated properly. You don't have the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of what's going on with that person. And so even I don't. So when I hear the word normal, my antennas go up like this. I'm guilty. When I got married, I used that word to my husband all the time. Like, Norma. Normal. Norma. Norma. That's not normal. That's not normal. Normal. And then he checked me every day, and then I realized, actually, a therapist told us, he said, culture. You're from different cultures. And then I realized, oh, I'm labeling everything that I know as normal. And I'm sure a lot of people do this. They think the way they grew up is normal. They think that their parents are normal. They think that their house is normal. They think that their socioeconomic status is normal. They may think their race is normal. They may think their gender is normal. Normal. Normal. I just want to say, I don't think that the household I grew up is normal. But what I will say is that that was my experience again. And that's a great word. That's a great word. That's your experience, right? That's a great word, right? Yeah. It's not that I'm like, oh, x out the word normal. I like to present to my clients. Ask out the word adorable. There is. I really do. I like to say new normal. This is why I like to say new normal, because, again, my background is rehab. New normal. Like n e w. Yeah. Okay. Now, new normal is different. Yeah. I could do new normal, because there ain't no such thing as normal. We don't learn normally like, nothing. For me, it's new normal because we're always starting today. Yep. Starting. Yes. We're always evolving, and we're always learning how to adapt and do things in a different way. And each day, each second, each minute could be a new normal for us. And I like to. She like playing words and everything. I love. You have me sitting here thinking, like, we need to come up with a word right now. Uh, okay, so normal, like, normal's band. Nothing outside right means aggregated living. Aggregate. Nothing outside right means aggregated living. But what's right. Thank you. There we go. Nothing. There you go. There we go. See, now you hear different. Everything's different. And aggregated living is the compound of Constantin changing of something and forming together of different things and making your own reality. Is that all created for military life. I feel like that definition was just. Created for military life. I literally just came up with it as I was listening to. Latia. I'm gonna need you to write that down. I literally just came up with it, listening to you, Latia, because I just wanted you to know, like, this is, like, it's something, like I said, I talked to my clients about, but I never. I've never, like, splashed it out that way. I love doing stuff like that, but I never have chopped it up that way. But listening to you made me do that, because I want you to realize, like, you're. You're just steadily evolving, right? And I heard you say, oh, I'm normal again. No, you are always normal, babe. You're extraordinary. You're extraordinary. You're not normal. You're definitely extraordinary. Yes. But you are a new Youtland. You are a new you. I felt you. I felt really different. Mm hmm. I've always had heart issues, and so I've been different my whole life, like, growing up as a child with a scar. And then the reason I felt like the need to tell you that is because I've always felt different. Right. But I. At an early age, I. One thing I did do was embrace a. My difference, but I embraced it with this quirky playness that also had this sadness attached to it. Yeah. Right? And I would be like, um. You masked it. You masked it. That's all you mask. Like, you masked, you know, which is what we all do. We make it look. We make it look glamorous. Yeah. My superwoman power. Absolutely. And I began to, like, grow into that quirkiness and own it. And when you, you know, and my undergrad degree is fashion, so when you see me, you never know what you're gonna get. So that quirkiness there, I mean, you get what I'm saying? It's there. Or you don't know if I'm gonna fall out in front of you. You don't know if I'm gonna blurt out a rap song in front of you, what I'm gonna do. But it's me, baby. It's me, right? And so I've owned it and been okay with it. I still have my moments, don't get me wrong. But then I gotta remind myself, hey, it's you. Like, you ain't going nowhere. It's still you. Cause there's no normal, and you don't have to. You don't have to go anywhere. It's so ironic because my mom had me tested in fourth grade because she thought back then the word was retarded. So do not cancel me. But she had me tested because she thought I was retarded. And back then, they didn't have a word for autism. They didn't have anything. So my whole life, I was in IB, I was very smart. I was in band. I was very studious. I was always. My brain didn't work the way my brother's brain worked or my mom's brain worked. They would come to me for complex issues, but I couldn't do simple issues. So what do y'all think? They called me blonde. So I grew up with the joke of, you know, putting white out on the screen and, you know, all those jokes. I grew up with that I grew up being told I wasn't black enough because I was an IB, and then I was too black to be an IB, so I grew up, and then I was also military brat. So, you know, you go through all those things. Then you add colorism of me being light skinned and my mom and brother being dark skinned. You add all of these compounding effects. And then me getting in my forties and finding out that I'm probably on the spectrum, because now my kids are coming up on the spectrum, and it's like, wow, you go through your entire life feeling different. That all stemmed from y'all talking about different and stigma. It's really like something I talk about a lot now because I don't have enough time in the day to actually go through my confidence killers. But we have to be okay with being different, but being okay with finding out what kind of different we are. Because if you ignore it and you mask it, you're doing a disservice to yourself and to your family. And I tell everybody, I've had so many friends call me with their kids, with, you know, symptoms of being on the spectrum, and I tell all of them, you're lying to yourself if you don't get your kid tested. Your kid deserves to have services. Even if you're an adult in your forties, you deserve to have services. You deserve to have accommodations if you're in school. These are your rights. These are your rights. Your handicap sticker is your right. If you get winded when you walk, it is your right, and it's nobody's business. And that's why my issue with de and I and all this stuff, we're handicapped, we're disabled, and you're telling us that we have no rights. You're taking our rights away as women, as disabled persons. I mean, it's like, when does it stop? You know? And so I just want to thank each one of y'all for being here, because from this, I can think of about ten other podcasts we can talk about from these topics. But I really hope listeners heard something here today that they can resonate with that gives them the courage to talk about whether it's just with the person next to you or a phone call you need to make or blasting it out loud. Different is how God made all of us. None of us are supposed to be the same. None of us have the same contributions that we're supposed to bring to the world. And your contributions may differ from one season to the next. So if you're getting bored or you're feeling uncomfortable, take that chance to make a switch. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short. I want to go to each of you first. Thank you for being here. But I want to go to each of you and give listeners last words, but also tell them where to find you. Starting with Kane. Yeah. Last words. I think if it feels good, keep doing it. If it doesn't feel good, stop doing it. You can find me on my website. At www. Dot constance dot maltrac.com. and yeah, and you can also find me@intuitiveheartinstitute.com which is www.intuitiveheartinstitute.com. and thank you for having me, Anita. It was so much fun to be a part of this group. Awesome. My pleasure. And I will put all of that information in the description as well. All right, Doctor Latoya, over to you last words and tell everybody where to find you. I know it may feel like a shameless plug, but my last words is literally the name, the name of my company. Every word, every number means something. But it is inspired to be you. So inspired to be you, inspired to be who you are. And even when things change in your life and growth happens and it becomes uncomfortable, be okay with the uncomfortable portion of that process and continue to inspire to be what you're becoming, but always be you. Be you. You could find me on LinkedIn. Yeah, on LinkedIn. Latoya Chevelle. And then I think it says, like Smith Waddell, you can find me also on Instagram for inspired to be you. And doctor Latoya Chevelle Waddell, I think is on Instagram as well. And those are the main two. Oh, and psychology today, you can find me as Latoya Chevelle Waddell. So, yeah, those are the main two. Main three right now. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am. All right, over to Latia. Last words and tell everybody where to find you. My last words are basically, just believe in your own strength. Don't allow others to depress who you are and what you can do for yourself. Don't allow them to suppress that. You can find me on LinkedIn at letiarobinson. You can also take a look at my book if you're interested. It's called the zipper to my heart, and that can be found on the Barnes and noble website, and it is offering a soft cover and a hardcover. The book is about assisting parents with explaining to their child about cardiac surgery and what the process is for it. So they use it as a tool to educate their child. Also, you can find me on Instagram. It's she got underscore heart. Nice. I got chills because she got heart. She got heart. Oh, gosh. Yeah. All right, listeners and viewers, thank you for tuning into another edition of your voice, your power with Anika and everybody else. And as always, stay powerful.